i am good & broken.
i can play guitar.
sometimes i believe its not a miracle at all-that life would be so much easier if i didn’t know. if i didn’t know, i wouldn’t be stuttering, if i didn’t know i would forget how to speak, if i didn’t know, i wouldn’t mix up my words, but most of all, if i didn’t know, i wouldn’t be having such a hard time learning. 
the massive increase of blood flow was supposed to make me smarter.. it was supposed to make college easier. it hasn’t. how is getting easily confused making things easier? how is relearning and confusing what i already know, me being smarter? its because i am not. i have thrown back 3 years, instead of keeping up. 
my writing has changed, my life has changed, and my mind is forever changed. how could this ever have been a good idea? 
maybe i was meant to live for a short while but have more meaningful life for a shorter amount of time? who is to say i was meant to be saved.

sometimes i believe its not a miracle at all-that life would be so much easier if i didn’t know. if i didn’t know, i wouldn’t be stuttering, if i didn’t know i would forget how to speak, if i didn’t know, i wouldn’t mix up my words, but most of all, if i didn’t know, i wouldn’t be having such a hard time learning. 

the massive increase of blood flow was supposed to make me smarter.. it was supposed to make college easier. it hasn’t. how is getting easily confused making things easier? how is relearning and confusing what i already know, me being smarter? its because i am not. i have thrown back 3 years, instead of keeping up. 

my writing has changed, my life has changed, and my mind is forever changed. how could this ever have been a good idea? 

maybe i was meant to live for a short while but have more meaningful life for a shorter amount of time? who is to say i was meant to be saved.

2 years, but nothing has changed. if anything, the quality of life as gotten worse. i mix things up more than ever, and the beautiful stuttering hasn’t subsided. 

the scars aren’t and won’t fade, and neither will my memories of it all.

all the no’s….

all the no’s before the yes. despite the bad apples that were tossed my way, or better yet that i chose to pick up, i have found the golden apple. 

i have been through the smooth talker, the looker, the charmer, but i have never been with the normal one. the one that you don’t have a name for except-boyfriend. 

the smooth talker, probably the one who left me so damaged made me believe that love was all about having the upper hand. whoever loved the other more was more vulnerable, was the stupid one-as you can tell that was me. i loved too much, he was my first love. the one that you get truly be yourself with, there are no rules of texting too much or don’t call, you haven’t learned that yet. the lies were turned into manipulative accusations against me… how did love turn into fighting back? i was locked out of my building with nothing but my pajamas at 2 am in the morning, waiting for our argument to settle down so that he would let me back in. that was what i expected out of love. as you know, that didn’t work out. 

i fell for a “friend” who was with someone for the longest time and had a rough patch because the love of his life, decided that he wasn’t hers. she found “comfort” in his friend. we talked and played, but honestly, i was infatuated with the idea of him. we didn’t really know each other, we jumped into something called a relationship, but it was doomed from the start. he didn’t turn out to be the boy that i dreamed he would be-that is my fault. 

then the classic charmer. he would enchant me with lines like “i thought you were beautiful, the day i met you” i never asked you out because “i thought i didn’t have a chance” you know, that guy. the guy who you think is going to carry you out of your dating rut. the guy that i thought i wanted, needed. after charming me with his misguided words and heavy instigation from his friends, i was tricked. he realized i wasn’t easy, and left. without a word, without an explanation. he was gone faster than he could think up of an excuse. 

after all of this mess, i figured i was doing something wrong. that i was attracting all the wrong guys because of something i did, but i was wrong again. i found him despite all of love’s let downs. despite all the odds working against me, he was there. I’m not saying he isn’t the looker or a charmer or any of that, but i am saying that he is the balance of all the wrongs with the rights. he’s who I’ve been looking for, i was just looking in the wrong places before.

when I’m not with you, my dreams are constantly reminding of my mistakes and how i am such a bad person. 

when I’m not with you, my dreams are constantly reminding of my mistakes and how i am such a bad person. 

his eyes are so beautiful. its a mixture of blue, grey, and the slightest amount of brown near your pupil. they always look kind, but when i looked into them more, i noticed how sad they were behind the facade. you causally let the worries roll of of your arm as you look back at me. 
you’re so different from what I’m used to, i normally see you in a different setting. its nice to see you, as you. 
your eyes really are the windows to your soul.

his eyes are so beautiful. its a mixture of blue, grey, and the slightest amount of brown near your pupil. they always look kind, but when i looked into them more, i noticed how sad they were behind the facade. you causally let the worries roll of of your arm as you look back at me. 

you’re so different from what I’m used to, i normally see you in a different setting. its nice to see you, as you. 

your eyes really are the windows to your soul.

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